©Ginger Hanson
2001
The Perfect Christmas Tree
by
Ginger Hanson
We passed a neighbor's house the other day and I noticed
they had bought a Christmas tree. Bundled in travel mode
and tied with twine, it leaned against the fence near the
garage door. Several hours later, we returned from running
our errands. By then it was dark, but standing in an
uncurtained front window of our neighbor’s house was
their Christmas tree, its lights twinkling cheer into the
night.
I was shocked.
A Christmas tree purchased and decorated within hours! I
had always assumed everyone made a production out of buying
a Christmas tree. Obviously, I was wrong. Obviously, only
my husband does.
Bob insists on buying just the right Christmas tree.
Actually, buying the tree doesn’t take very long.
It’s the pre-purchase and post-purchase guidelines
that must be followed that eat up the time.
First, the tree must be untied, in upright position and
available for a thorough examination. This means casing the
area Christmas tree lots. Any place of business that fails
to untie at least a sample of its trees is avoided.
Second, the correct height must be determined. There is an
immutable law of physics that all Christmas tree purchasers
must accept: the Christmas tree you buy off the lot is
always higher than the ceiling of your house. I’m
especially prone to choosing trees that won’t fit
into the living room. Bob finally decreed that I had to be
able to touch the top of the tree without standing on my
tiptoes. And no whining about how small the tree looked in
the lot.
Third, Bob examines the tree. It must have a good Christmas
tree shape or one that can be corrected by a nip here or a
tuck there. Any deformed trunks or the tendency to lean too
far to the right or left disqualifies the tree.
Fourth, he makes sure the top is properly stemmed to hold
the ornament that crowns the tree. The decision of what
best crowns a Christmas tree came after years of
experimentation by his wife, who has been known to put some
unusual stuff on the top of the tree. It's taken a few
decades, but Bob finally talked me into a spired topper,
which is his favorite.
Once all the above criteria is met, the chosen tree is
loaded on the pickup truck and brought home. Once home, it
is put into the tree stand. It is not, I repeat, not
decorated for another two to three days. According to Bob,
the tree needs time to "fall out" before he can determine
how much to trim from where. After the tree falls out, he
trims away the excess branches. When he is satisfied with
its look, the tree is deemed fit to enter the house.
An action that greatly confuses our pets. That’s
right, if you want mental confusion, drag a tree into the
house where two dogs and a cat live.
Bandit takes one look at the tree and thinks, "Finally,
indoor canine bathroom facilities."
Scooter takes one look and thinks, “What a good place
to hide when I tease the dogs into chasing me!”
Toffy takes one look and thinks, “Can I skinny
between the tree and the wall to catch Scooter?”
I think, “If I electrocute the tree will it keep them
from messing with it?”
Although the tree is inside the house, it isn’t yet
ready for decorating. It must first be placed in the
corner, its tree stand filled with water, and the tree
skirt tucked around its feet. Now, we’re ready to
decorate.
Ah, the joy of decorating a Christmas tree with my husband.
As with preparation of the tree, there is an order to the
actual decorating. The first step is to put on the lights.
Wait, the first step is to untangle the lights.
No matter how neatly Bob winds the strings of lights the
previous year, they spend their off season time twisting
themselves into unmanageable messes. At least, that’s
what he claims as he mumbles and mutters his way through
unwinding the lights.
Once he untangles the lights and ensures they all work, we
start draping them around the tree. Being the artist he is,
Bob doesn’t settle for lights trimming only the
outside of the tree. No, the tiny lights must be layered
from the trunk outward in order to achieve maximum effect.
After the lights are deemed placed properly, the silver
garland and strings of silver beads are draped and tucked
around the tree. They must be placed in such a way as to
ensure they are enhanced by the twinkling lights. Then Bob
places the spired topper on the tree top. If all goes well,
he only needs to check the tree from various angles and do
a little tweaking before announcing it is now ready for the
ornaments.
This is where we clash.
I mean, if Bob wants to pick, fall out, trim, light up,
garland and bead the perfect tree, why should I complain?
He’s doing most of the work. But when it comes to
what else goes on the tree, well, that’s my area of
expertise no matter what he says.
And he says traditional conservative, while I say eclectic
whimsical. This is a basic difference in taste. Traditional
means hang a few dozen matching glass ornaments and
you’re done. Whimsical means hang those matching
glass ornaments, but give the tree some pzazz with a
zillion cute little ornaments. Now you’re done.
My ornament selection drives Bob nuts. He can’t
figure out why I’d want to put a Santa flying his
bi-wing airplane next to a an angel made from a cotton
boll. Or add a Santa playing baseball about two inches from
a sparkley elf. The hodgepodge of decorations I hang on the
tree each year conflicts with his desire for the
uncluttered, symmetrical look. And he has a point.
There is a place for the traditionally decorated tree in
some households. I’ll even I admit I enjoy viewing
them at department stores or gift shops. These trees look
really nice, but they don’t reflect my personal
philosophy which runs along the lines of “isn’t
this cute, I think I’ll buy it for the tree.”
Then I buy it and put it on the tree while Bob grumbles
about how my Christmas ornaments mess up his perfect tree.
Frankly, I disagree with him. I think my choice of
ornaments makes the tree perfect. Just as the family that
buys and decorates their tree on the same day believes they
have the perfect tree.
That’s the miracle of the Christmas tree. Once any
tree has been decorated, it’s the perfect tree.
The End
